childhood memories...

Having returned from spending some time with my family this past weekend... I would like to find out… has anyone else ever noticed… that your parents don’t seem to remember the same friggin things about your childhood as you do.

Cos I found myself sitting there... staring blankly at the ol' folks wondering what the hell they had been smoking... as they were interrogating me about my past with questions like "oh.... remember this," or "remember that," or "when that happended"... And you almost always say "No…...?"/ "Nope...?" and "No... sorry...?" to their questions. Then you say, "Oh but… remember how mad you guys got when I pee'd on the cat and got pierced my nipple on the same day?" And then they say "No!!!"

So it got me wondering if perhaps I was raised by some sort of imposters or rent-a-parent while my actual parents vacationed in the tropics and were sipping on pina~colada cocktails and perhaps pulling back on some good chronic. Ok... maybe my real-folks stopped in for a day or two every once in a while; just to make sure the imposters were doing a good job. Shit... you know what... they really had me and my sister fooled.

I wonder what the imposters are doing in retirement. I really miss them…



.billy/b##zer~

Winter coughs and splatters...

vomit
Originally uploaded by Rashcream.

So with winter on its way... I am just waiting for the sniffs, colds and coughs to climb on up in my ass and make me sick and blue...

But then it got me thinking... at least the one good thing about getting sick is... I get to have cough syrup! Mmmmmm Mmmmm! I don't know who it was that invented cough medicine, but how about a friggin' round of applause for that guy!!!!

I would drink Vicks Cough syrup out of a hip-flask and with every meal if they would let me... Cos let's face it, it sucks to cough and cough and cough... although it sucks even worse to puke!!!

Wait, although that is not always true.... Puking is good sometimes... Especially if you just ate warm pancakes... cos they really are just as delicious the second time you taste them... But still, coughing does suck!!!!

Especially when you cough up a little stomach-bile-puke and have to swallow it back down... I had a friend in primary school who did that a lot, and I always wondered what he was tasting when he did it, but of course I never asked... I just wait for him to spit it out every once in a while, and give it a good once over... & At that point, I could usually get a feel for what it must have tasted like to him!!!

It left me sort of feeling bad for him... He did not eat many pancakes....

.billy/b##zer~

A Public Service Announcement...

Sadz Pimp
Originally uploaded by Rashcream.

I would like to take a quick sec and give little credit...

I say this because I believe you should give credit where credit is due and one of my friends has some long outstanding credit due to him!!

So first I would like to introduce you to him... you all can call him Sadz! But he also answers to "Big-C, Pimp-Daddy, Your-my-daddy, and Corn-boy"

Sadz is the type of friend that would bend over backwards... to reach his beer (& make sure everyone one is having a good time and of course has their own beer)! He is also always up for a good party, plenty laughs and a few pints whenever and where ever... as there is no threatening or scarring Sadz with a good time that is for sure!!! Cos he can go out and drink his, yours and a friends beer and drinks the entire evening and will still end up being the one carrying your drunken-ass home at the end of the party.

Sadz is not that type of friend who would be the one to come bail your ass out of jail... cos he is the type that would be sitting right next to you saying.... "Shit bud... that rocked!!!

Sadz also has one of the best and most resourceful net-works of networks... where he can just about organize & source you anything on this earth what so eva... from any cd's and songs, to asian-twins, to rhino-horn, Banned adult mag's, some wicked alcohol mixtures, Pro-touch sneakers, slappers telephone numbers and rash-cream and groceries! You name it... and Sadz will source it!

And it was thanx to Sadz... that my hairy-butt will be going to the "Reading Festival' in the U.K later this year to watch some 64 top liner "Marsh-you-into-the-ground" International bands over a 3 day period... where I can guarantee you there is going to be plenty punking, marshing and body-slamming, stella-beer-drinking, probably some or a lot of puking and very lil' sleep!!!

A few bands that I am wetting my pants to see that weekend are the following... ~ All American Rejects, Bad Religion, Finch, Foo Fighters, Hatebreed, Iggy & The Stooges, Incubus, Iron Maiden, Jimmy Eat World, Kasabian, Marylin Manson, NOFX, Pixies, Queens of the Stone Age, Simple Plan, The Charlatans, The Futureheads, The Transplants and The Lost Prophets.

So please do me a favor... stare at his p.i.m.p-ing picture... feel the energy that is Sadz and give BIG-C a moment silence...

Cos Sadz... "You da MAN!!!!!!"



.billy/b##zer~

Some of my Budz modeling this "year's" new fashion look!

Models
Originally uploaded by Rashcream.

As shown in the picture, Bright-pink-&-Red-edged poly-nylon jumpers and Crazy-plastic helmets are the new "BLACK" this season...

These are two of my bestest buds... pulling their "Blue-Steel" look for the camera... ha haha hahaaaa!!!

Friggin airports & Q's...

I want to know... "Why the hell does it take so long for people to get off of a freakin’ airplane…?" I have been pondering this simple question after I recently returned from a short trip to France…

Cos everyone is in such a bloody rush to get on the plane that when they tell us to line up, we lose the ability to think or even form a simple line…there is total mad choas, as we all crowd in, start pushing, lil children lose limbs & go missing, there is standing on peoples toe's, old people getting tipped out their wheel chairs, there is people elbowing others in the ribs & faces while grunting and fighting for the overhead bins and the prime postion to lay their 8ft. prized S.A wooden-Giraffe!!!!

Then we land, and everyone seems to be stuck in slow mode and taking their time… no rush or care in the world!!!! I am like... "Look man…I have been on this god damn match-box of a plane for 10 or so hours… eating microwaved mush meant to resemble food ("that gets your guts running like a fine indian seafood curry"), having been crammed like sardines and having to deal with gay tinkel-bell air-hostess-dude... So Get your shit, dont give the frail ol' granny a chance to get up and get your friggin ass to baggage claim…"

Oh and while your at it, please wind-mill punch the friggin asshole behind me that has been kicking my seat the entire fucking flight and using my seat back as a helping hand to get up and sit down over and over and over and over again…

And keep your kids away from the electronic doors and off the freaking baggage claim belt… Sure, the kid in Jerry McGuire was really cute when he was lost and came rolling around on the thing, but get this…I want my suit case and I want it now and if your kid gets his hand caught in the belt, chances are it will shut down and I will stand here while they cut his hand off with a saw…

I have a cold beer waiting on me… Lets go people!!!!

.billy/b##zer~

Public Toilets are a pain in the ass.

There are certain unique challenges to being a woman, brought on, I suspect, from our upbringing, which, although we don’t like to admit it, are quite different from boys. Boys are encouraged to have burping competitions with their father and friends – boys know how to spit three meters before they are even out of nappies, boys think that cupcaking is the ultimate in high class humour, especially if you manage to do it with the victims own fart… girls are not allowed to burp. Farting, heaven forbid, is something that smelly snot nosed boys do – not something any self respecting Barbie doll connoisseur would stoop to… I feel that we are done an injustice…I’m talking here in particular about our higher risk of developing colonic cancer due to our general inability to push putt in anyone’s home but our own, and god forbid we try at a public restroom… “people will hear noises…they’ll KNOW…”

I have met numerous men who will walk into someone’s home, introduce themselves, walk straight into the bathroom, as the rest of us sit awkwardly in the lounge and try to make small-talk while the gentle sounds of someone gripping his ankles for better leverage and biting down on a face sponge (he has manners, you know) filters through the door – followed closely by the unmistakable scent of what can only be described as a good imitation of the largest sewer farm in existence – yes, you do see dead seagulls floating in there. He’ll exit, satisfied with a job well done and make an arbitrary remark about the 3 dozen burrito’s he ate last night that he suspects fell off the back of a truck…whoo hoo hoo, does anyone mind if he helps himself to a cheese, pickle and Bovril sandwich?

Did these men’s moms give them a sweetie once they were done? Did they get a pat on the back and a comment about how proud mommy was that they finished their business?? Who da big boy then, who, who??? I suspect so. Women, on the other hand, slink out of offending toilets only once they have established - by sitting still and holding their breath, listening for any sounds of occupancy, to checking under the cubicle door - that no other being is actually anywhere near the drop zone. We dash out, like someone fleeing from a hit and run, close the door almost all the way – in the universal sign for future cubical users to NOT GO IN THERE – wash our hands in shame and creep out, preferably pretending that we, in fact, were not in the bathroom at all, but admiring the fine workmanship of the grouting on the tiles in a room as far away from the offending loo as is possible. We bundle up big rolls of toilet paper to line the bottom of the toilet with so as to disguise the noise made by doing something as essential to existence as eating. We buy large handbags so that we have space to keep deodorant bottles at hand in case of any emergency – no – there is no other reason, women would be quite capable of surviving with just a wallet and car keys if it wasn’t for our desperate need to conceal the odour associated with dropping the kids off. We sit for an extra five minutes in the bathroom every time we go, so that when we do eventually do need to do a number two – no-one will be able to tell based on the length of time we were away… yes my friends, this is the awful world we live in.

Just a little tip here guys, if you’ve ever taken your girl out, and you end up spending the day visiting friends or going to watch a movie, and she suddenly changes from being the sweetest lil hunny bunny that you ever did see into something that gives new meaning to Alien vs Predator – I can guarantee you that it’s not because she hates your friends/doesn’t want to spend time with you/is riding the cotton pony…it’s because she is barely holding on to her sanity due to severe stomach cramps and the thought of using a toilet that - because it is not her beautiful secluded porcelain throne at home with the legless Barbie in a doily hiding a toilet roll under her skirt – has all the appeal of the revolting latrine in Trainspotting – you know the one I’m talking about – where you have to be a heroin addict to consider using it. Have a heart guys - take the poor girl home.

To dribble or Not to dribble....

A quick question for all of the guys out there…

Does anyone else go through periods where when you are done having a huge piss, you throw the ol’ tackle back in… pull up the fly and then it happens… a little squirt of pee decides it wants to make a daring escape and places a little wet dot ever so neatly on the front of your pants…

I fucking hate when this happens… If it is really bad, you have to then put a little extra water on so people will think the sink was just really strong… And when you return to your group you have to announce, "Jeeeeez Man, watch out for the sink… It is a soaker." While pointing to your crotch area and laughing nervously to yourself.

I am having a dry spell today, but a few days ago, it was really bad… And I don’t wear underwear, so basically it was going down my leg… giving me damp socks!

Really uncomfortable on a cold day.

.billy/b##zer~





.

Grrrrrrrrrrr......

Just a quick thought and bitch for the morning... that was triggered by listening to the radio this morning on the way to work...

I fucking hate South African bands that fucking play Brit pop and say it's something you've never fucking seen before. We really have some good talent and bands on the local scene... yet you get these pommie-wanna-be's who just copy the gay-boy-bands from the u.k... and think we going to be impressed by it... recycled gay clap, sync'ed vocals with some guitar music... really!

Their music, like their food, is so fucking bland they had to kill and destroy a large amount of the third world in pursuit of some fucking decent spices.

Naked fucking chef my ass. More like.... "Naked-fucking-butt-rape-the-rest of the world whose food tastes much better than mine because I've got a degree in making fish and fucking chips chef."

So to those bands who cant not strive to be better than brit pop... Go eat a turd.

To the rest of you enjoy good S.A punk/rock... go check out www.humphreytheteacup.co.za and quite supporting wanna-be's!!!

Cheers bye... its Friday... so have a beer!!!

.billy/b##zer~

South-Africa, Purple-gums, Twat-bosses and cult members...

~ Ag well... after scratching my balls and having done a quick check and a bit of math’s… I have came to the conclusion that things this side of the world are not too bad… as I still have my health, my friends & family, my car, my teeth (in my side of town that is amazing!), a few cold Amstel dumpies in the fridge, my credit card is not red-lined or maxed out this month and it is already middle of the week with weekend just around the corner… so all in all.. It’s pretty good! (that is if you strong or dumb enough to turn a blind eye and ignore the arrogant grass-root level previously disadvantaged ass-rectums working in our government, 24-7 road rage, escalating fuel price, oil-spoiled seals & penguins, Purple-gums selling coat hangers and cell phone chargers at the robots and out local SABC shit tele... over look all that... it can be pretty good!)

Although I wish I could say the same about work... has been like a huge Freak side show… especially the last 2 or 3 weeks!!! Ha haa haaa - from certain cows doing their soap-drama crying scenes and “Woo-is-me… I think everyone hates me” (I felt like saying…”Nope… it is not ‘think’… but rather “DOES” hate you!”). To the MD trying to convince himself and pretend to try be the model-Boss of the year… and the female business partner still being the number one diet-pill-industry supporter & genie-pig and true-living evidence that you can take what ever 100 diet supplements you want to loose weight… but if you are still eating like a pregnant horse… they aint going to do shit!! To “turn-around-touch-the-ground” and “shove-the-word-down-your-throat-&-in-your-face-bible-punching-bitch” crying and taking days off of work cos of personal-stress… all because the “Cult-church” she has joined is not treating her nicely (Surprised…?) and she is not allowed to hug guys from the front no more… as it is way too Sexual and thus will make baby-jesus cry and cancel your one way ticket to heaven and make you clean windows and toilets for the rest of your days!

Like Really… what fucking age do we live in...?!!! I was trying to think of the 69 million occasions where I have hugged any of my girl – dash – friends at the office, at home or even out when I am out drinking and have actually thought to myself “‘Wow man – that was so-so hot and sexual… Shit I think I may need to sit down, crack a quick dry-hand-wank, have a smoke… and try catch my breathe back!!

Honestly… if that was the case… men all over the world would be on chicks legs humping and grinding away like horny alley dogs!! But cos she is a true Christian (Insert hysterical laugh here) she is not allowed to think for herself or ask the question - “why or how came??” … She must just do what the elders say!!

Rrrrrrrreally…? I can not see how people can get side tracked and herded like blind sheep... and have their life butt rammed by the worst of all… other humans who claim they holy / god / yoda like and living the perfect holy life but in matter of fact probably sleep with farm animals / alter-boys, have heaps of speeding fines, downloads kiddy-porn every nite and do not pay their T.V license !! I am totally whack-me-on-my-ass fucking dumb-struck with that idea!

For example she is interested in a poor guy from the same cult as her… but he told her… he first needs to pray to god… ask him if she is the one he is meant to be with… and then he will get back to her in 3 weeks time… seriously… 3 weeks… = 21 days ?

Is that the general time it takes for god to check his email and respond or send one of his angels to answer your prayers… if it is the case… god must work for the SOUTH AFRICAN POST OFFICE!!!

Anyways… he finally got back to her after 3 weeks and said… “Sorry ~ god says he is destined to be with a “Red-head”!!! hahahaa now seriously… that does not sound like god to me… that sounds more like his “little-pink-headed monster’” in his under-pants talking there!! Seems the lil’ fella would like a lil ginger-minge! Ha haa haa – shit I do not know!!

She recently sent us all a message one nite to invite us to join her church… sorry I mean CULT… I suppose they need more members to join cos the cult leader / priest / pope / dj / a.ka “that dude in front” needs to pay for a new house, sports cars or the numerous drug-habits or to pay the under-age whores he takes home every other nite!!

Cos she told us...“god does not want the elders to be poor you know…! Stuff that… It is the elders not wanting the elders to be poor! Ha haaaa!! Shit I could go on for ages… but I won’t… I will stop now!! Before I have crosses burning out side my front door…

So generally things in the office are weird yet interesting as ever… I am seriously thinking of writing a play, book, movie script using my experiences and tales from the office… cashing it in by selling it to large movies companies over sea’s and maybe even a few psychologists to use as a case studies for future developments in solving what makes “FREAKS” tick…?

Ha ha ha haaaaa – sometimes I wonder how the hell the rest of us actually make it through everyday at work… I think we feed off each other to help keep sane! I think if one of us has to go we would all quit the same day!!! I am just happy… that I barely have to answer to anyone... I sit here in my corner… have my own clients… do my own thang and then go home… & only once a month I deal with the MD at month end… other than that… it just me… which is cool beans!!

To make this week slightly worse, I had to arrive back from sunny France... to a pile of work and shit weather here... is has just officially hit a new level of crap… it has been shitty here for a while too... it was unusually hot here for the last few weeks… no rain or wind or anything...then all the sudden… you wake up in it feels like you in mid winter… then by 1 pm lunch time… it is sweaty-clammy-ball-bags & mine-digger armpits !!! Yip… hot as hell man!!!!!! Really crap… I hate it… Weather must be a female… Cos it decides its hot, then its cold, then hot, then I am not sure… then its hot… then do you love me… then its cold… then it just wants to cuddle… then do i look fat in this outfit...

Anyways... i have to run... got a meeting in 5... Grrrrrr.... and... Hmmmmmmmm… just in time too... as i do not have much else bitch about… so I suppose this better be the part where I end it off…

cheers-bye...

.billy/b##zer~