~ Remember that "Tennis Elbow" is far better than the dreaded "Tennis Ball"! ! !

29 July 2005

Snotty Kid's & Sissy~Shit Parents...


How come everyone today is too much of a sissy to smack their kids around?


That's what I want to know: why are parents afraid & too polite / scared to beat the shit out of their kids?

When I was a kid and I screwed up, kicked the dog, did not do my home work etc etc... my parents beat my ass repeatedly. We didn't have a discussion or talk about it, they did not ask how I felt… or “what was broken inside of me!!!!!”

It was straight to a severe tanning my ass… I didn't have a "time out." In fact, I've never even once been grounded in my life. What's the point? Send your kid to his room and make him play video games, listen to Cd’s and read comic books all day? Great idea, why don't you take him to a kiddie-shrink while you're at it so she can pull some mysterious disorder out of her hairy ass to hide the fact that you're just a plain “bad parent?”


I have noticed that most Kids today are a few ass beatings behind for their own and everyone’s else’s good! Don't listen to these assholes on TV with their bullshit hippy psycho garbage… if they had it their way, every child would be raised in a blue & yellow pastel colored room with Beethoven pumped through the speakers 24 hours a day.

Then again, it might not be all that bad because it will make your kids complacent, so it won't be as hard for them to swallow when they realize that they'll be spending the rest of their lives chained to a desk in a cubicle punching numbers and writing sales reports and shoveling shit from upper management to make someone else rich.

The problem is that kids today think their opinions matter… By not beating your kids, they get a skewed perspective of reality where they start thinking that they have it rough and that they can get away with dying their hair and listening to Eminem, Marilyn Manson & Insane Clown Posse. That's where you need to come in and put the law down.

You tell them to clean their room, they say "no," you beat the shit out of them… Wola… room stays clean. It's simple; it works.

Our parents, and their parents… and their, their, their parents-parents-parents-parents-aunties-uncles have been dishing out good ol' butt-beatings (~and I am not talking about the Greek version here~) as for back as friggin bushmen / cave people and the human civilization has not done too bad up to now…

Imagine if that dude that invited the light bulb had a mother and Dad that did not care or beat him… and say “get in your room and study and invent shit…” or if that other guy with a kite, lightening and the key… was not beat repeatedly & told by his folks “To stop playing inside and go fly a kite out side!!!”

We might not have the things like electricity, light bulbs, 2minute noodles and playstation today!

So Rashcream & Groceries is going to give back to the community, help guide any future geniuses to success and help you, the negligent parent or parent-to-be, by putting together a guide to beating & smacking your kids for your convenience… these methods have all tried, tested and were administered to me and my friends while growing up!! And we sort of fine now! ha ha haaaa!

(A hint: you may want to even print this guide up and hang it on your fridge as a reminder to both you and your kids).

- Here are some useful techniques:

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 Five fingers across the eyes.

This is a very basic maneuver and usually enough to cover most situations when your child is out of line. Simply put four fingers tightly together and either leave the thumb off to the side or fold it behind the other four fingers. Then smack your kid across the face with the back of your hand. Now this is the tricky part: make sure to snap your wrist just before contact otherwise you won't get a stinging effect. Very important because you don't want to risk letting your kid think you're a big sissy.

 The sucker punch.

Just ask the question "Hey stooopid, what's that on your shirt?" and when they look down, bust their lip. You need to do this every now and then to keep them guessing. Don't ever let them off the hook. Just because they're not doing anything wrong doesn't mean that they didn't do something wrong earlier that you weren't aware of.

 The one-two shut-the-hell-up.

This is priceless when you're shopping and your kid won't shut the hell up: "I'm hungry, I want toys, I need my Insulin..." etc. First smack your kid (the 5 across the eyes technique works). Wait a few seconds for your kid to start crying, then smack your kid again to let him know that you mean business. This usually shuts them up because they see that the amount of crying is proportional to the amount of beatings.

 The horse-crop, 2 x 4 or PVC pipe.

If you do your job as a parent, this should never have to be administered. This is for heavy duty jobs only (ie. any time your kid comes home and begins a sentence with "she might be pregnant..." or "I can _____ if I want to..." where the blank can be any of the following: smoke, have sex, experiment with drugs, watch Oprah, etc). Usually the threat of this beating is enough to keep your kid from screwing up.

 The running Dragon-kick-slap to the face.

If you're interested in a permanent solution to your child giving you lip about washing the dishes, cleaning their rooms or filing your tax return, then the Dragon kick might be the technique for you. I guarantee that you will only have to ask once after the Dragon kick has been administered. Email me if you require further details regarding this method.

 The skull thump.

A quick blow usually dealt to the side or back of the head. Simply flick them in the head with your finger. An alternative is to smack your child up side the head with your palm. Very useful for teaching your child to read when he or she makes a mistake. Hitting your child when he or she is learning builds confidence, or undermines confidence--I can't remember which.

 The one-handed chauffeur reach around.

A quick reach around while you're driving to smack your kid and his friends too if they disrespect. Swerve the car back and forth for the full effect.

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There you have it. Use these basic techniques to discipline your child if you want him or her to turn out to be a success story like me.

And remember: never take shit from your offspring!!! You pay for the friggin' house, food, their clothes, school... I.E.... You own them. ~ If they don't like it, they can move out.

So If you really love your snot-nosed kids, love them enough to beat them so that they don't grow up to be idiots.



~billyb##zer.



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3 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

To be honest i find none of those techniques work. I usually chain my kids to the wall in my basement. Sometimes i give them food, depends how much is left over. It works for about 8 months, as this is how long it takes for them to recover. The cyle continues!

July 29, 2005 12:32 PM

 
Blogger Roz aka The Twinset said...

Fully funny stuff! Great piece of relevant literacy...

Seriously though, it's about getting the balance of physical thrashing right. Kids can displace their violent tendancies onto others... wouldn't be bad either if that kid wasn't getting their daily dose.

Keep up the shenanigans!

August 02, 2005 11:19 AM

 
Blogger Unknown said...

Fore sure...

I am not talking gross torture, paper cutting them between the fingers and drawing blood for no reason... no, nope and no again!!!

I mean... first talk, ask them nicely... treat them like lil' short adult people... if they act like animals and disrespect you and still do not listen...

Bammmm... pull out the heavy guns... follow the easy to use steps & methods i provided in the article and tan their asses!!!

9 times out of ten... they will thank you for it later on in their lives...

They will be like... "Hey there Mom, Dad... ~ thanks for beating my ass and helping me not grow up into a worthless dick!!!" "You guys are the best...!!!"

Wola... everyone lives happily ever after!

August 02, 2005 11:32 AM

 

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